Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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