so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
