i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
