so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Randomize
