I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
