My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My balls are so social today.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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