My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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