She is in my trunk
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
