I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
