i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
