Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
