my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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