I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
