Swine flu. Run for my life!
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
