Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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