I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
