I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
