Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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