working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
