i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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