If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The ass gains better be worth it
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
