He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
