the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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