She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
