i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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