and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
