Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
