YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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