i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
