Midget sex pt 2 tonight
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
