He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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