You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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