what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
