I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
