Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
