someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
