I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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