What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
he just fucked me for my cheese..
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
