To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
