he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
