ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
