My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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