my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize