Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
