My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
