Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
