Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
