you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
