I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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