Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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