Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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