its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
